A Madonna Rant

 

Note: I’m sorry, but the continuing flow of low-quality children’s books written by celebrities really annoys me. Almost always, the pop stars, actors and other glittery types who write children’s books explain their motivation something like this: There are no good children’s books out there, so I feel compelled to write the first worthwhile children’s book ever. Pul-eeez. Here, then, is a rant I wrote in 2003, when it was announced that Madonna (whom I respect very much as a performer) was going to write a series of children’s books.

 

So. Those of us who fret about what our children read can breathe easier now: Madonna is about to bless us with her own tales conveying important life lessons.

We all know Madonna, she who fills our radio waves and our children’s ears with such deeply spiritual lyrics as: “Tell me love isn’t true, it’s just something that we do.”

Why does this self-appointed Mistress of Morality feel compelled to share her insights with our children? According to BBC News online, here’s what she recently told a VH-1 interviewer about the state of children’s books:

“I couldn't believe how vapid and vacant and empty all the stories were. There were like no lessons, just all about princesses and like the beautiful prince arrives and he takes her for his wife and nothing happens, no efforts are made. Nobody asks her what her opinion is, or I didn't see anybody struggling for things. There’s like no books about anything.”

Oh, dear. Her poor, deprived children.

Our Madonna must have shown up at her public library on a day when all the good children’s books — the ones the librarian no doubt recommended, when asked — were checked out. By parents who were able to recognize a good book.

She must have walked into her local independent bookstore -- where the sales staff certainly directed her to the shelf of Newbery Medal winners as well as their own lesser-known faves — right before a delivery, to find that only the literary dreck remained in stock. The stories about princesses whose opinions are never sought.

Well, Madonna dear, you haven’t been paying enough attention. There are like plenty of good children’s books about something.

Did you miss “Goodnight Moon,” Margaret Wise Brown’s classic that has soothed millions of children into bed with the quiet rhythms in its spare text? Or Maurice Sendak’s “Where the Wild Things Are,” in which a naughty boy journeys to a world of his own and returns to find that Mom’s love never wavers?

Oh, the children need lessons. That’s right. And you are basing your stories on a religious text.

I suggest you have a look at “When the Beginning Began,” in which Julius Lester, a scholar and master storyteller, ponders what lies between the lines in the book of Genesis. I guarantee, you’ll go back for more from this mesmerizing author.

In fact, Maddie — if I may be a bit familiar here — your most efficient route to good books for those Kinder of yours might be this: Follow the authors.

Consider the books of Dr. Seuss. “The Lorax” takes on environmental stewardship. “The Butter Battle Book” tackles the arms race. In a less political vein, “Thidwick the Big-Hearted Moose” examines the heartache of having guests who just won’t leave. Even “The Cat in the Hat” has a nice, empowering subversiveness to it.

How about Judy Blume? Her books deal with puberty, racism, sibling rivalry and all manner of other real-life childhood issues. Or E.L. Konigsburg: Start with her layered and lyrical Newbery winner “The View From Saturday” and go from there. Vapid? Vacant? Mm, don’t think so.

I could go on. Jacqueline Woodson, Cynthia Voigt, Virginia Hamilton, Chris Van Allsburg, Christopher Paul Curtis ... But I am absolutely sure your librarian or bookseller has already directed you to their books, when you asked. Right?

And if it’s a nobody’s-doormat princess you seek, check out “The King’s Equal” by Katherine Paterson. The beautiful Rosamund most definitely has opinions, and the arrogant king who wants to marry her had better take heed. This is another author you’ll want to keep coming back to.

Yes, Madonna, it seems you’ve missed a few hundred excellent children’s books. But listen, babe. Don’t feel dumb. It happens.

You’re not the first celebrity author to declare that you must write a children’s book because until you do, there will simply be nothing worthwhile out there. You’re following in the footsteps of such literary giants as Carly Simon, Bill Cosby, Jamie Lee Curtis, Will Smith and others too depressingly numerous to mention.

My vote for Title That Would Have Been Laughed Out of Any Beginning Writing Class has to go to Julie Andrews’ “Dumpy the Dump Truck.”

At least you’ve done better than that. Your first book, due out this fall, is to be called “The English Roses.” Heaven only knows what sort of title crossed your mind along the way -- “Horny the Hornet”?

Parents and children everywhere can hardly wait.